


Before and After

by TheDarkwoodsWitch



Category: Stucky - Fandom
Genre: Angst, Avengers - Freeform, Bucky Barnes - Freeform, Captain America - Freeform, Endgame, Endgame AU, Happy Ending, M/M, MCU AU, Marvel - Freeform, Period Appropriate Homophobia, Pining, Skinny Steve, Smut, Stucky - Freeform, Winter Soldier - Freeform, m/m - Freeform, mcu - Freeform, preserum steve, smut warning, steve rogers - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-27
Updated: 2020-08-27
Packaged: 2021-03-06 17:40:41
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 9,765
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26132827
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TheDarkwoodsWitch/pseuds/TheDarkwoodsWitch
Summary: Bucky struggles with remembering his past before Hydra, and Steve desperately hopes Bucky remembers their shared past.
Relationships: James "Bucky" Barnes/Steve Rogers
Comments: 1
Kudos: 19





	Before and After

**Author's Note:**

> First fic in Ao3 haven’t quite got the formatting down. Please let me know what you think!

Part 1

It’s 1943 and Bucky is packing his bag. He’s enlisted in the Army and he’s been assigned. He’s got mixed feeling about this. On one hand he wants to fight, to take out the Nazis. On the other hand, he never wants to leave Brooklyn. Of course his ma is so proud and Bucky feels like he should be too, but- something is making his stomach do flips. It’s not the nerves about going off to war, no. It’s more what, no, /who/ he’s leaving behind. 

He doesn’t have to leave yet. Not for a couple days. He just is so anxious, moreso than he’s ever been. He takes a break from packing and paces around the apartment that he and Steve share. It was the old apartment Steve and his mom lived in before .... well, before she passed on. Bucky had moved in shortly after her death to comfort his old friend (and partially to get out of his own overcrowded house himself). He had never seen Steve in such a state. Sure he got beat up a bunch or sick a lot but all those times never made Steve inconsolable. He never thought Steve would ever feel better. He laid on his bed for days at a time, hardly even getting up to eat.

Things were much better now though. Steve was more healthy and seemed to be doing well, all things considered. The thought of that brought a smile to his face. Bucky thought idly of the sun reflecting off of Steve’s hair and how sometimes Steve would catch him staring. Steve made Bucky feel things .... things he felt for girls. It all confused Bucky very much. He sometimes wondered if Steve ever felt the same way? If Steve ever thought of him the way Bucky caught himself thinking of Steve more and more? Bucky felt a heaviness in his chest. 

Bucky’s thoughts were interrupted as he heard the apartment door unlock and Steve entered the apartment. His small frame silhouetted by the door. 

“Hiya Buck!” Steve said with a smile on his face. Goddam Bucky loved to see him smile. His smile could light up a room he swore. 

“Hey Steve, how was work?” Bucky asked. He went to the kitchen and grabbed two glasses from the cupboard. He turned on the faucet and filled both glasses with water. Steve worked at the local paper. He’d make illustrations and such. It was a decent gig for a guy like him who didn’t have an ounce of body strength. Steve had real talent in art though, so landing the job was easy for him. 

“Pretty good, cant complain”. Bucky handed him a glass of water and sat down on the sofa. Steve flipped on the radio and plunked down next to Bucky. 

“What about you Buck? What have you been doing all day?” Asked Steve. He sipped from the glass of water, trying his damndest to hide the swirl of emotions he was having at the thought of Bucky finally actually leaving, and not only that, but /without him/. Steve has tried to enlist several times but was given the “4F” and was deemed unfit to serve every time. Steve wanted to fight whereas Bucky enlisted more out of a sense of obligation. 

“I packed a few things up. Not all of it yet, not sure what all to bring honestly” he said. Bucky could feel Steve tense up. He felt oddly guilty? Was it guilt? That he was leaving. Who would look after his best friend? Who’d kick his bullies asses? It seemed Steve was always in a fight and always losing. Steve had a great heart and a fiery spirit but all that was stuck in such a scrawny weak body. What luck, he thought. 

“You know I don’t think I’d know what to bring either” Steve managed to say. Not like he’d have to think about it anyway... he shoved that thought out of his head. This wasn’t the time for that. The two sat there listening to the music on the radio, holding their water glasses. Steve wanted to say something, anything, to his best friend in the whole world about these /feelings/ he’d had but he didn’t want to destroy their friendship. He wasn’t sure if he was /gay/ he thought. He just knew that no one else made him feel so safe and loved. Steve had asked his ma what love felt like? And she said it was like having a best friend who made you feel the best you could and your chest would get heavy and you’d get butterflies. He had all of that when he looked at Bucky, when he thought of Bucky, when anything with Bucky. It was /always/ Bucky. No girl ever made him feel this way. 

Steve was lost in thought and Bucky had taken to looking at him, admiring his face in the dim room. Steve was his best friend in the whole world but sometimes he wished they could be something /more/. But there wasn’t a place for them in this world like that. Those kinds of things got you in trouble. He couldn’t bear to make any more trouble for Steve than what Steve made for himself. But he couldn’t shake these feelings, and they were here with a vengeance, a sense of urgency. What if he got killed and never saw Steve again? The thought alone almost made him cry. He took a deep breath to try to calm himself. He /had/ to say something before he left. At least he’d be leaving so he wouldn’t have to stay for the fallout. 

Steve became acutely aware that Bucky was staring at him. Steve turned his head to look at Bucky and their eyes locked on each other’s. They both opened their mouths to say something and both stopped. 

“You go first kid” said Bucky. 

Steve froze “No way man you first” 

“I ain’t playing this game Rogers, spit it out” Bucky said with a stern voice. Steve’s breath caught. Well he may as well say something /now/. If Bucky got mad well, he’d be off to war in a couple days and he wouldn’t have to worry. 

Steve timidly reached out a hand and took hold of Bucky’s. They’d never held hands before. Steve wondered if Bucky could feel him shaking. 

“Bucky, I ....” he started before his breath caught. Bucky looked on eagerly, but kept his face calm. His heart was beating so loud. 

Bucky squeezed Steve’s hand. He realized there wasn’t another hand he ever wanted to hold. Steve’s small bony hand fit so nicely in his. 

“Bucky I think I like you” he managed to say. Bucky smiled “Well I like you to bud, you know that” he replied. 

“No Buck, I think ... I think I like you like how you like girls” Steve said quietly. Steve turned a deep red color. His heart raced. He could barely breathe. Bucky stared wide-eyed at Steve. He opened his mouth to talk and closed it. He couldn’t believe it! 

“Steve, I uh, I think I like you the same way” he said, blushing. He finally said it. Steve’s eyes went from fear to disbelief to wonder. It was as if all his dreams had come true all at once! He gasped and leapt over and got into Bucky’s lap and threw his arms around Bucky’s neck, pulling him into a tight embrace. Bucky was stunned and then wrapped his arms around Steve and pulled him in closer. Bucky felt Steve’s bony ribs poking him. He could hear his breath heavy with excitement. 

They stayed like that for a moment and then Steve pulled back, still sitting in Bucky’s lap, and now just facing him. 

“Buck I had to say something before you left cuz what if I don’t see you again?” Steve admitted. He almost teared up but wiped his sleeve on his eyes, banishing any tears. 

“Steve” Bucky sighed. “You don’t gotta be scared, I’ll come back. There’s nowhere I’d rather be than right here with you”. He said it and he meant it. For years he had had these feelings. There was no one else on the earth quite like Steve Rogers. Bucky reached up a hand and touched Steve’s face. He could get lost in those eyes. Neither of them had ever been /this/ close to each other. At least not like /this/. Bucky looked at Steve’s lips and back up to his eyes. Bucky pulled Steve in for a breathless kiss, a kiss that seemed to last forever. It felt amazing to finally kiss him, after all these years. It also felt wrong, they had been told over and over at church about “The Queers”. But this felt too good, it couldn’t be wrong, could it? 

They melted into each other’s arms, gently kissing each other, both scared, both nervous. Their hands ran through each other’s hair, down each other’s necks, both breathing heavily. It was messy first time kissing for Steve. For Bucky, he’d kissed all sorts of girls but never felt anything like this. He could feel his blood rushing down to his groin. He wasn’t sure what to do about /that/. 

Steve pulled back to take another look at Bucky. His hair was tousled and messy. His shirt disheveled. He looked so attractive. He couldn’t believe his eyes. Bucky was thinking the same things about Steve. That lovely blonde hair now all over the place. Steve’s suspenders had slipped down off his bony shoulders. Steve had to wear suspenders since he was so skinny, he didn’t have the rear end to hold his pants up. Bucky looked at Steve’s pants and realized Steve was getting a bit excited too. Steve blushed again once he realized that Bucky realized he was hard. Bucky’s heart pounded anew as he reached and grabbed Steve’s waistline, tugging at it in a suggestive manner, looking up at Steve. He wasn’t sure /what/ he was doing but he knew what he liked to do to himself and figured Steve would probably like it too. 

Steve had never kissed anyone let alone /done anything/ with anyone either. There wasn’t a girl in Brooklyn who would even bother with Steve. But Bucky? Bucky was always there, always at his side. “Till the end of the line” he had promised Steve. Steve was a bit ashamed to remember all the times he’d thought of Bucky sexually. How many times he may or may not have explored those urges. So when Bucky began to undo his pants Steve felt like he couldn’t breathe. He wanted it so badly. He never felt a burning /need/ like this before. He didn’t stop Bucky. And Steve didn’t stop either. 

This changed things forever for them. 

\---  
—— Part 2 - a long overdue visit 2023 

Thanos is finally dead and “The Snap” undone. Bucky was brought back by  
Hulk with The Infinity Gauntlet but there hasn’t been much time for /anything/ since Tony’s funeral. No one saw that coming and that put a somber mood on everyone. People’s thoughts and emotions were all over the place. 

Steve had lost Bucky for the first time in 1943. The second time with the Snap. Now he was back again and Steve was so very happy to have him back, but he wasn’t sure Bucky would remember what they had confessed all those years ago. He hadn’t really talked about it much with him, given Bucky’s multiple memory wipes at the hands of Hydra. How do you even approach something like that, Steve wondered. 

Steve had also been approached by Banner. They had enough serum to send him back in time if he wanted, but not enough for him to come back. It would be a one way trip. Steve always did feel out of place and Banner had even mentioned that he could finally go back and “get her”. But Steve wasn’t sure. He at one point did have feelings for Peggy, but, something about having Bucky back and having him back /for good/ made those feelings dissipate. He couldn’t lie to himself. He didn’t really want to go back. He kinda liked this new world anyway. 

Steve thanked Banner and told him he’d “think about it”. But there wasn’t much thinking to be done, not with that shaggy haired hot mess of a man around. Steve realized he’d been given another chance. A way to move on as Peggy had said. He’d lost Bucky twice he wasn’t going to lose him a third time. 

But the issue came up again of /how do I bring this up?/ Steve would think of all the ways he could but they all sounded awkward and desperate. Their friendship had somewhat snapped back. But there were memory gaps. Steve wondered where Bucky’s memory would be good and bad. He wondered if there was anything still there even after all these years. After all the torture, the enhancements, the experiments, the deaths ..... James Buchanan Barnes was not the same as he was in 1943 there was no doubt about that. But his smile was still just as glowing. And his eyes just as deep. Steve wondered. 

Steve had taken to renting a small walk-up brownstone in New York near Central Park. It was very expensive but he didn’t pay for it. It was part of Tony’s will that The Avengers want for nothing for the rest of their lives so most of what Steve had and or earned was paid out by Stark Enterprises. Steve didn’t mind this. It allowed him to actually do /nothing/ for once. He got to read up on popular culture. Figure out the Internet. Master the art of the text message. Finally for once in his adult life he was taking time for /himself/. But it was all so boring not having anyone there and the doubts ate away at Steve’s mind. He /had/ to try to reach out. To see if there was still /something/ there. 

Bucky on the other hand was still living at Stark Tower (even though Tony didn’t like him being there). He wasn’t sure what to do with himself. He hadn’t had a free moment in what felt like years. There was no one to kill. No villain to stop. /Nothing/. Bucky had also been spending time reading up on popular culture and trying to navigate a smart phone. It wasn’t too hard but he didn’t much like it. Bucky spent a lot of time walking around and exploring. Just existing as a normal human. Well, as normal as he could be. Every day he seemed to be remembering more and more. Good and bad. Some days were really hard to accept that he was different now. That he isn’t the Winter Soldier any more. He’s no longer a mindless assassin. He’s Bucky Barnes. And he was finally free. 

New found freedom aside, Bucky was having nightmares. Horrific memories of his past actions actually. He’d dream of them and routinely wake up in a cold sweat, gasping for air, having to come to grips with his past over and over and over. Having to hear the screams again, echoing in his mind. Haunting his soul. There was so much to remember, and so much he wished he could forget. He was so mad at Hydra, so mad at what they took from him. He had his notebook, the old leather one with the star in the cover. Sometimes he’d open it up and see himself, 90 years prior. He didn’t relate to that man any more. A few pages over her find a picture of Steve. An old one. Of him in his suit. Thinking about Steve calmed him down. It was always Steve, he thought. He’d think of him too long and feel a weird .... heaviness in his chest. Butterflies in his stomach. He didn’t understand. 

He’d write about this in his notebook. 

/Steve. Old friend. I’ve forgotten a lot. Wish I could remember more. Calms me down. Makes me feel things I do not understand/

Bucky wrote all sorts of things in the notebook. He’d almost filled it up. He knew Steve kept a similar notebook of modern things to google and watch and listen to. He wished his notebook was straightforward as that. There was a lot in here that Bucky had written from before he was freed from Hydras grasp by Shuri back in Wakanda. It was all a mess, a heartbreaking mess. He kept the book for a couple reasons. One, to track his mental health progress, and two, he wrote memories down in hopes that maybe he could piece together everything. Sometimes in writing a memory down he’d remember more. He’d write pages and pages once he got going. 

It was one such night that Bucky was woken violently by his own horrific memories turned nightmare that he decided he needed to pay his friend a visit. Everywhere all over his notebook were memories of Steve and the Howling commandos and their life together fighting, and even some stuff about pre-war life. He even had a picture of Steve looking all scrawny. There was something about that picture that evoked an emotion that Bucky wasn’t able to label. Maybe Steve could help him figure all this out? He was his best bet. Steve was so smart and strong, surely he knew /something/ and could help him make sense of things. He hadn’t really gotten to talk too much to him about things. He really wanted to. Even though it was 3am he texted Steve to ask him if he was free. There wasn’t a reply, as expected as it was so late? So early? Bucky laud his phone back down on the wireless charger on his nightstand and tried to go back to sleep. 

In the morning Steve awoke to a text from Bucky. Probably the first text he ever got from Bucky. He smirked at the thought of Bucky trying to navigate a smart phone. Not that Steve was much better at it but he wondered if the metal hand made it difficult? What else was difficult because of a metal hand he wondered? He pushed those thoughts aside and replied /Yes I’m free today you should swing by and see the new place. Here’s the address:..../ Steve set the phone down and was suddenly nervous. He hadn’t seen Bucky in a couple weeks. He decided to take a shower. He realized in the shower that he had forgotten to tell him what time. That only made him more nervous for some reason. /Bucky used to live with you calm down/ he reminded himself. /Maybe he could again? Or would that be too much if he doesn’t .... remember or doesn’t feel the same way?/ He stood before the mirror and contemplated life and shaving his beard. It was starting to grow back but wasn’t anything like it was. He kinda dug the stubble so he left it. Now to get dressed. 

Once Bucky got a response he practically leapt to his feet to get himself washed and shaved. He hadn’t shaved his face in a while. He looked at his shaggy hair in the bathroom mirror and considered a haircut. Then he’d really look like the old Bucky Barnes. He stood there for a moment, face half shaven and imagined it. It didn’t feel right so he decided against it. At least for now. Bucky slapped on some aftershave lotion Natasha had gotten him and grabbed his backpack and his notebook and set out for Steve’s apartment. 

Bucky parked across the street and suddenly felt nervous. His stomach did a flip-flop. /Why?/ he wondered. He gripped his backpack strap with one hand and rang the doorbell with the other. Bucky heard Steve unlatch the door and pull it open. 

“Bucky!” Steve smiled and pulled Bucky into a tight hug. It honestly surprised Bucky. Bucky hugger him back and the two separated. 

“Hiya Steve. Sorry it’s been so long”. 

“Ah it’s alright, come on in I wanna show you around!” Steve led the way into his apartment. The inside was very clean and decently spacious. Old photos of old friends lined the walls. Even a nice group picture of the Howling Commandos was hanging. There were movie posters and framed records. Steve had put some work into customizing the old walk-up it seemed. It was two floors, the first floor was all living areas and the top floor was for the bedrooms. The two ended the tour in the living room that had a modest TV but a very nice record player with two boxes full of records on either side. Steve paused by the record player. 

“This was a gift from Tony, before, ... well, ....,” Steve paused, obviously sad, “he knew I wasn’t much for those iPod contraptions so he got me this. Plays beautifully. And I’ve got all sorts of records too. Lots of music to catch up on” he laughed and Bucky smiled. He loved that laugh. That smile. Bucky whipped out his notebook and jotted that down on a page he now dedicated to memories of Steve. 

/Love Steve’s smile. His laugh./ 

Steve thought that was a bit odd to suddenly write a note down and he didn’t catch what it said, so he asked “Buck what’s that for? Isn’t that the notebook from before? Seems you’ve written a lot”. Steve remembered reading some of Bucky’s rambling grasps at remembering his past. How it had pictures of him in there. There was a whole page if he remembered correctly that said *DON’T FORGET STEVE DON’T FORGET STEVE* over and over in hastily written letters, with water drop stains on it. /Were they tears?/ he wondered. 

“Oh sorry” said Bucky as he snapped the notebook shut. “I just, I wrote down stuff I remember or stuff I think of in here that’s all”. Steve nodded, his eyes looking kinda sad. 

“You’ve got a lot of stuff to remember I suppose” he said with a twinge of sadness in his voice. Bucky nodded. 

“That’s part of why I wanted to see you today”. Said Bucky sheepishly. Steve smiled. 

“Well Buck why don’t you put on a record and I’ll grab some snacks and drinks I’ll be right back just make yourself at home”. Bucky chuckled. 

/Steve’s apartment, second home. I lived there?/ he wrote down quickly when Steve was out of sight. Now to pick a record. 

Steve had a lot of records. A lot of it was music he had never heard before. He wanted something familiar. Something he would hopefully remember. He flicked through the choices and then he saw a familiar face. Glenn Miller. A best-of album. /Perfect/ he thought. He slid it out of the sleeve and placed it on the turn table. He turned on the record player and brought the needle over. The disc began to spin before he set the needle down. Music started playing shortly thereafter. He stood there for a moment and remembered dance halls, and dancing with girls, girls swooning over him and none of them wanting anything to do with Steve, but he always brought Steve along anyway on double dates. He wasn’t about to let his friend fail. But then he remembered wanting to dance with Steve but he couldn’t .... so he danced with more and more girls and stole kisses from them instead. Bucky dropped his backpack and jotted down a quick note. 

/Dance halls with big band music. Dancing with lots of girls. Brought Steve on double-dates. None ever liked Steve. Why can’t they see what I see in Steve?/ 

He paused. Where did that last line come from? Bucky’s head swam with confusion and he closed his book, and sat down on the sofa. 

He wasn’t given much time to think before Steve came back with cheese and crackers and drinks and other various snacks. He figured they could snack and talk and hang out. Like the good old days. Steve noticed a look on Bucky’s face. 

“You alright, pal?” Bucky opened his mouth then closed it. He nodded. 

“Thanks for bringing out the spread” he managed to say as he took some food. 

“Well of course, only the best” Steve said with a joking tone. The two sat in silence for a moment, listening to the record, munching on snacks, and then Steve spoke up. 

“So how ya been Buck?” 

Bucky shook his head a bit. “Alright. Been trying to catch up on stuff. Been walking around a lot. Everything is so different now.” 

“I hear ya. New York just ain’t the same. I can’t get over all the lights and the moving billboards”. The two shook their heads. 

“Nothin’s the same” said Bucky with a sigh. “I’m not even the same” he said under his breath. Steve pursed his lips. He knew Bucky struggled with his identity. He didn’t blame him. Steve struggled as well, just in a different way. He always felt displaced in this modern world but now that Bucky was back he admitted to himself he felt better about choosing to stay. 

“No one is the same, not after 95 years you know” said Steve, trying to lighten the mood. “Besides Buck, you even said you’re remembering more and more last time we talked. It may all come back to you yet” said Steve with a tone of hope in his voice. He really wanted Bucky to remember something in particular and felt selfish about that ... he wanted his friend to remember who he was before Hydra came and hurt him. 

Bucky reached down into his backpack and pulled out his notebook. 

“I have remembered lots you know, I write it down. Sometimes I remember more as I write so I keep going” he flipped some pages of his Soviet red notebook. He angled his book so Steve couldn’t see. Steve sipped at his drink, genuinely curious about what would happen next. 

“See I wrote about us going to dance halls all the time. Double dates even. And well you didn’t have luck with the dames back then.... you probably don’t have that problem now I’d imagine.” Said Bucky. Steve blushed a little. 

“Well I had that fling with Sharon but, uh, really maybe not all that much luck if I’m being honest. Haven’t really bothered since”. Steve wanted to tread carefully here. He didn’t want to plant seeds in Bucky’s mind about their past. He wanted Bucky to remember it himself, on his own. 

“I also just remembered how you were so skinny and had to wear suspenders...” Bucky trailed off as he flipped to his dedicated Steve page and jotted down: /Was so skinny had to wear suspenders. Doesn’t need them anymore/. Bucky looked up at Steve. 

“You don’t wear suspenders anymore, do ya?” 

Steve laughed “No I haven’t needed those in years my clothes actually fit for once”. Steve smiled wide and laughed a bit more. /Yes they do/ Bucky thought to himself. He found himself admiring Steve’s frame. The way you could see his collar bones peeking out of the v-neck. How his sleeves always seemed to struggle with his biceps.... 

Steve was very aware of Bucky staring at him. Made him think of old times when he knew Bucky would be sneaking a peek and Steve would play dumb to it. But he wasn’t going to play dumb today. 

“Whatchya looking at Buck?” He asked with a smirk on his face. Bucky shook his head, caught red handed. 

“Nothing I was just... nothin.” He said. 

“It’s never nothin’ with you pal” said Steve. Bucky looked down at his notebook. He was /so confused/. The two sat there, the only sound coming from the record that was still playing. Moonlight Sonata it was. Bucky remembered that one. He remembered.... dancing with Steve. In their apartment to it. And not for practice. But that was so long ago. You couldn’t be with a man like that then. Bucky ran a hand through his hair, his face going from confused to concern. What were these memories? These vignettes from a life gone by? We’re Steve and him together? Before? They were just friends, right? He couldn’t remember it all. 

“Bathroom?” Bucky asked finally, in an exasperated tone. 

“Oh yeah down that hall” Steve pointed. Bucky went off, he had to splash some water on his face and concentrate. 

While Bucky was off in the bathroom Steve picked up Bucky’s notebook. He felt bad but he couldn’t resist looking. There was pages upon pages of frantic handwriting. As the book went on the handwriting got better and more neat. The pages were more organized. He had devoted pages to all sorts of things. He found his page. He read it. It was clear Bucky was starting to remember /something/ about their past. He also noticed there were definitely more than one picture of him in there. Lots of pictures actually. With a sigh he set the book down and decided to refill their drinks. Maybe they needed to get out of the apartment and go for a walk. He’d suggest that when Bucky got back. 

Meanwhile Bucky was losing his mind in the bathroom and didn’t bring his notebook to try and write stuff down. He remembered Steve’s shaggy hair in the sunlight. How his bones looked under his skin on his frail body. The taste of his lips. He remembered them dancing in Steve’s apartment, they couldn’t go to the dance halls, not like that, not together. Queers weren’t allowed. He remembered kissing all sorts of girls and just wishing it were Steve. Maybe that’s why he always went for the blondes? Was that why he always brought him on double dates? He did look great all cleaned up, skinny or not. He looked even /better/ now he thought. He felt a tightness in his chest again. He ran the water and splashed his face. What was happening? What was he feeling? He was so confused. He felt dizzy. But one thing was certain: him and Steve had been together. Romantically. At least before the war ruined everything. It all clicked finally. This is what Bucky was struggling to remember, and this memory overwhelmed him. 

There was a knock at the door. 

“Buck? You alright?” 

Bucky panicked when he heard Steve’s voice. There was no composure for him to muster. He hated this. Hated it so much. He heard the door handle turn and the door open a crack. 

“Buck are you okay? You’ve been in here like half an hour” said Steve. An half hour? How!? 

“Uh” managed Bucky. 

“Alright I’m coming in” said Steve in a very concerned tone. He opened the door to see Bucky with both hands on the sink panting. Face wet. Water running. Hair stuck to his face. 

“Buck let’s lie down okay? You don’t look to good” Bucky nodded and allowed himself to be guided up the stairs to a guest bedroom. Steve laid him down gently and covered him up. He patted his friends head and then turned off the light and closed the door. He had no idea what was going on. He hadn’t seen Bucky like that in a long time. Maybe he had a panic attack? He wondered if Bucky even got those. 

It was afternoon when Bucky had come to the apartment. Steve ordered some Chinese food, and got some extra for when Bucky got up. He knew he’d be hungry for sure then. Steve spent the afternoon on his computer, reading, learning, trying to understand the past, the present even. There was so much to learn. It was exhausting but he wanted to be up to speed on things. He had the world at his fingertips on this computer and he sure as hell wasn’t going to squander it. 

Steve eventually decided to sketch some. He hadn’t really done it since, well the four ties. He remembered his old job at the paper. Surely he still had some talent? He set a record on to play and stretched out on the couch, pencil in hand. What should he draw, he pondered. All that came to mind was Bucky. So that’s who he drew. 

\---

—-

Part 3 - dinner

Bucky awoke with a start in a cold sweat. He had remembered slicing the throat of a dignitary. How the blood cascaded down his hands and the knife and out onto the floor. How the man gurgled a truly awful noise. How Bucky just cast his corpse aside and walked off. Mission finished. Mission report: success. Target eliminated. Weapon not left behind. No trace. No cameras. In and out like a ghost. A murderous ghost.

He pushed his hair out of his face and sighed loudly in absolute frustration. Every night he’d dream of the murders. All the lives he took. Yes he knew it was a “different Bucky” but that didn’t matter to him. He still had the memories. He balled his fists. One real and one metal. He was grateful for the new arm but he hated it. It was a /constant/ reminder of Hydra. Of his past. Of what they took from him. 

Bucky sat up and for a moment forgot where he was. Slowly he remembered that he had panicked and Steve had put him to bed. How long had he been asleep? This room didn’t have an alarm clock and his phone was in his bag downstairs. Bucky got up, silently, and walked over to the other bedroom. To Steve’s bedroom to see if there was a clock in there. He opened the door and it was so very Steve. There was an old time radio on his dresser, like the one they had when they were kids. A writing desk, with papers and books scattered about it. A very big bed with nice tucked in corners. Steve was always so neat. Ah, an alarm clock on his nightstand . And old fashioned one that you had to wind. Of course. He picked it up. 4 pm. Damn. That long? He set it back down and noticed a picture frame on the night stand. He picked it up. It was of him. Bucky blinked, surprised. He felt a warmth in his chest and set the photo back down. 

Bucky crept down the stairs, silent as a mouse. It was an ingrained habit to do so. He arrived in the living room and found Steve asleep on the couch, the record spinning but no music playing as it was at the end. On Steve’s chest was his sketchbook, the pencil had rolled off onto the floor. Steve looked so picturesque and homey. Bucky crept closer and picked up the sketch book. It was of /him/ that he drew. He did a great job. But why draw him? 

/Wasn’t Steve an ..... illustrator? For the paper? When we were younger?/ Bucky blinked a few times. He should go, he thought. He’s bothered Steve enough for one day. He went to grab his backpack and notebook but he made noise shuffling his items about and packing his notebook and that caused Steve to stir. Bucky couldn’t help but look on as Steve slowly fluttered his eyes open and sleepily gazed up at Bucky, smiling warmly.

“Heya Buck” he said with a bit of a rasp to his voice. He blinked some more and sat up, stretching. His shirt rode up and Bucky /definitely/ stared. He felt something in himself that he hadn’t felt in ages: lust. Bucky blinked and tried to hide his clear infatuation. Bucky took a step back, still holding his backpack and the sketchbook. Steve was looking up at Bucky, still seated on the couch. 

“Oh did ya see the drawing I did?” Steve asked as he rubbed his eyes. “Ever since the war ended I’ve been trying to get back into art. Like I used to do. Feels like eons ago that I did anything /but/ fight.”

Bucky looked back at the drawing. It was really well done. Steve always had talent in art. 

“It looks great, honest. But, Why me though?” Bucky asked coyly. This was not lost on Steve. 

“Well, I couldn’t think of anything else to draw.” Said Steve with a shrug. 

Bucky was still focused on the feeling he had before. He set his backpack down and turned his attention back to the sketchbook, temporarily blocking out thoughts about what was under that shirt of Steve’s. He started flipping through the pages. Steve started to protest but Bucky ignored him. It was drawings of all sorts of things. Buildings in New York City. Animals. Steve drew a picture of Peggy. Of some of the Avengers. There were sketches of Steve from before he got the serum. Bucky smiled at those. But as he flipped towards the end it was more and more sketches of Bucky. Before and after the war. All so well done, too. Bucky was impressed and flattered and somewhat surprised. It was apparent that Steve thought about him a lot. 

By then Steve had stood up and reached out for the sketchbook. He looked a little embarrassed. 

“You do great work Steve you always have” said Bucky as he handed it out to Steve and Steve tried to take it but Bucky wouldn’t let go. 

“Why so many of me, big guy?” Asked Bucky in a teasing way. Steve flushed. Bucky felt a strong desire building inside of him. It all made sense now. Everything. Every feeling. Every memory. The puzzle was complete. He still loved Steve. He never stopped. But now the question was: did Steve still feel the same way too? 

“You been thinking about me a lot?” Bucky tacked on. Steve fumbled his words. Bucky let go of the sketchbook and Steve was still stammering. Was Bucky flirting with him? Did Bucky remember... their shared past? Bucky’s heart raced but he wasn’t ready to give up the ghost. Steve was still just as awkward as he’d ever been. Bucky found this cute. 

The question went unanswered from Steve so Bucky moved on. 

“Anything to eat?” Asked Bucky. Steve finally was able to speak. 

“Uh yeah I got you some Chinese food, it’s in the fridge. I’ll finish off mine too I think”. Bucky nodded and Steve walked past him to the kitchen. Steve produced two takeout boxes and grabbed some forks. He set all that down on the dining room table and went back to grab drinks. 

“You want water? A Coke?” He asked. 

“Coke is fine” said Bucky. 

Steve brought over the glasses of soda and the two sat down to eat. They started eating in silence. There was a tension in the air. Steve was dying to ask Bucky if he remembered their former relationship. But he didn’t want to sound desperate. Bucky just ate his food, amused at how bad Steve was at hiding his emotions. 

“What do you want to do tonight?” Asked Bucky in between mouthfuls. He didn’t want to go home yet. Steve pokes around at his food. 

“Wanna watch a movie? I got a whole list of em that people have been recommending.” Steve pulled out a small red pocket notebook and flipped a few pages. A nice quiet night in sounded really pleasant. 

“I think Tony had set up basically every streaming service imaginable on the TV.” Steve said. Bucky mulled this over in his head. 

“Sure why not. There’s probably lots on that list I haven’t seen yet. I haven’t seen a movie in ..... wow since probably the last one you and me went to” said Bucky. “Do you remember what that was maybe?” 

Steve thought for a moment. “Was it Son of Dracula?” 

“That sounds right but it’s hard to remember. Got so many blank spots.....” Bucky trailed off. 

“It’ll come back Buck, I know it.” Said Steve quietly. The two met eyes for the first time since they sat down to eat. Bucky bit his lip. Steve felt his face get hot and his heart raced, he felt his blood rush south. /Fuck/ he thought /he looks so goddam hot when he does that/. Steve didn’t know what to do so he looked back down at his food and imagined dead dogs to try and quell the problem that was arising in his pants. Bucky smiled at how Steve was still just as awkward as he’d been years and years ago. 

/Guess some things don’t change/ Bucky thought to himself. 

Part 4 - the movie

The two threw out their food boxes and Steve lead the way to the living room and turned out the lamp, leaving it dim but not totally dark. He then went over to a hall closet and pulled out a large blanket and some pillows. He set the pillows on either end and fluffed out the blanket. He took a seat on one end under the blanket and motioned for Bucky to sit on the other end. Bucky obliged. Steve then fluffed the blanket over them and grabbed the remote, turning the TV on. The light illuminated the room. He pulled out his small pocket notebook and flipped some pages. 

“Okay well there’s Titanic. But I think that’s a romance movie somehow. And Jaws but that’s supposed to be scary and I’ll be honest not much scares me anymore... and uh, well war movies. Why do people always recommend war movies? That’s all I’ve ever done is be in a damn war...” Steve trailed off, flipping pages in his book. 

“Can I see your list?” Asked Bucky. Steve handed the notebook over and Bucky scooter closer to Steve to grab it. This didn’t go unnoticed. Bucky perused the suggested titles. 

“Oh look here’s one. Shaun of The Dead?. A .. zombie movie? Do you know what that is?” Asked Bucky. 

“No I don’t actually but someone recommended it. I think that movie is a comedy? A horror-comedy?” Said Steve. 

“Alright let’s try it” 

Steve found the movie after several clicks and mishaps. He still wasn’t great with technology. The two were glued to the screen and laughed and wretched at the movie. It was very funny but also gory. Horror movies were NOT like this in 1943. Neither could get over how much blood movies had nowadays. And zombies? Who the hell thought those up? Horrible things they both thought. The screen went back to the main page and Steve finally took a look at his friend. Bucky had scooted a lot closer to him during the movie and he didn’t even notice. The two were still under the blanket. 

“Well what did ya think?” Asked Steve. 

“Very... bloody. Not sure how I feel about that to be honest. I also don’t think I like the zombies.” He said and looked down and then back up at Steve. Steve was still just slightly taller than him. 

“Well they won’t all be winners Buck. I thought the movie was really funny, all things considered. But I think I have to agree I don’t much like all the blood. Movies weren’t bloody like this back in the day” said Steve. Bucky chuckled. 

“We sound like old geezers. ‘Back in my day!’” Bucky lightly punched Steve in the arm as he laughed. Steve shook his head. 

“Bucky we /are/ old geezers! We’re over a hundred years old!” The two laughed. 

“Healthiest centennials on the planet!” Bucky added with a laugh. /It’s so nice to hear Bucky laugh/, Steve thought. 

“Guess we’ll need to get you a walker sometimes soon ya old man” said Bucky with a laugh. 

“Excuse you? You’re older than me mister! You’ll be the one getting the walker!” Steve retorted. 

“By one year!” Bucky shouted, still laughing. The pair laughed about the ridiculousness of either of them with a walker. They went back and forth making old people jokes until they couldn’t catch their breath. The pair sat there, wiping their eyes, and catching their breath. They were still close together on the couch and Bucky stopped to look at Steve, his face serious, the room, darker now with only the TV to give off light. Steve noticed and turned to face Bucky. 

“You thinking of something Bucky?” Steve asked. His face was very expectant. Bucky brushed his hair out of his face and reached over to take Steve’s hands. Steve’s heart raced. It took everything for his hands not to tremble. 

“Steve, are ya gonna tell me why you got my picture on your nightstand?” 

Steve’s face went to shock and annoyance. 

“You went in my room Buck?” 

“Well I wanted to see what time it was earlier and you didn’t have a clock in the guest room” said Bucky. Steve still looked annoyed a bit but more panicked now. Before he could answer Bucky asked “And all those drawings of me too...” Bucky tightened his grip on Steve’s hands and moved in a bit closer. Steve could smell Bucky’s aftershave. He liked it. Steve opened his mouth to answer but nothing came out. How does he do this without sounding desperate and weird? 

Bucky bit his lip again and looked at Steve. Something was there in his eyes. Steve absolutely loved it when he did that. /Such a damn tease/ he thought. 

“Spit it out, Rogers” said Bucky, in a very clear and obvious callback to that night, to that night almost 100 years ago. Steve’s eyes widened and he let go of Bucky’s hands and moved them to his face, not once breaking eye contact, and without hesitation pulled Bucky in for a very very long overdue kiss. The two kissed passionately, hungrily. It had been /so long/ for either of them. Too long. 

The two separated to catch their breath. 

“Bucky I thought, I thought you’d forgotten....” 

Bucky smiled and laughed a bit. 

“Through all the hydra memory wipes. Through all the years. Through everything, I never once stopped loving you, punk” he said. And he meant it. There was no one else on this planet that understood him the way Steve did. No one else that had ever made him feel so loved. No one else had ever gone to bat for him so hard as Steve had. The two had put their relationship on hold for the duration of the war. That’s what they had to do. And then when they met again after 70 years, it was all so complicated. And then Bucky had gotten dusted and they lost 5 years together. But they were here together, now, and Bucky wasn’t about to waste that. 

Bucky took to running his non metal hand along Steve’s jaw. 

“You’re so different now, now that you’re bigger. Is everything different? Is everything bigger?” Bucky asked, raising his eyebrows and smiling slyly . Steve blushed at the obvious double entendre. Bucky ran his hand through Steve’s hair. /Still beautiful blonde. As he’s always been/ thought Bucky. Their eyes met. 

“Well you’re just gonna have to find out yourself” Steve said in a very suggestive way. Bucky put his hands on Steve’s neck and slowly moved his hands down his chest. 

“Hmm yes, definitely much bigger here” Steve’s heart raced. He felt his blood pumping south. Bucky ran his hands up Steve’s shirt, feeling his muscles. 

“And no ribs poking out either” Bucky said with a bit of a laugh. Steve blushed again. Bucky’s cold metal hand felt exhilarating on his skin. 

“I ain’t been that skinny in ages” Steve said with a laugh. Bucky took to kissing Steve on the neck. His five o’clock shadow rubbing Steve’s neck. Steve’s breath caught. 

“Buck do ya-, do ya wanna go upstairs maybe?” Steve managed to say in between gasps. He figured the couch wouldn’t be big enough. It wasn’t very big to begin with. 

Bucky pulled back and smiled, his eyes glazed over with lust. 

“My my Rogers. Very forward of you. Didn’t know your had that in ya” Bucky whispered in Steve’s ear as he snaked a hand down and squeezed Steve’s dick through his pants. Steve moaned. 

“Upstairs sounds nice” 

\---  
—- Part 5 - Upstairs 

The two made their way up to Steve’s bedroom. Steve turned on his desk lamp. By the time he turned back around Bucky was on him. Touching. Kissing. Stroking. Shirts came off, followed by pants. Bucky pushed Steve on the bed and straddled him. He held Steve’s hands up over his head and ground his hips into Steve’s crotch, eliciting a moan from Steve. The two kissed and Steve squirmed and gasped under Bucky. He felt Bucky’s erection on his and about lost his mind. 

“Bucky, fuck!” 

“You want to?” Asked Bucky as he kissed Steve’s neck again. Steve looked at him, somewhat surprised. He’d never had sex with a man. Never had sex with anyone if he was being honest.

Steve didn’t think, his emotions spoke for him. “There’s some lube in the nightstand” he said. Bucky slid down Steve’s legs, pulling Steve’s boxer briefs down with him. He admired Steve’s naked body on the bed. /Damn/ he thought /everything is bigger huh/. Bucky removed his own boxers and slid open the drawer of the night stand. There was a notebook. A diary perhaps? And some lube and tissues. Bucky smirked. 

“Whatchya doing with all this?” Bucky asked in a teasing way. He got the tissues and lube out. Steve flushed red. Bucky returned to his spot on Steve’s legs. Steve was caught up in looking at Bucky, admiring his body, his muscles, his... everything... that he hadn’t noticed Bucky had squeezed out a palmful of lube. Bucky took his nonmetal hand and wrapped it around Steve’s cock, sliding his hand up and down, spreading the lube out evenly. This made Steve moan again. Bucky relished that sound, and loved that it was /him/ making Steve do that. 

“Steve are you sure you wanna do this?” Bucky asked. Steve nodded. 

“My first time ought to be with you, don’t ya think?” Steve managed to say in between heavy breaths. Bucky leaned down to kiss Steve. 

“I suppose you’re right” Bucky whispered. Steve slicked some of the lube off of his very erect member and reached around behind Bucky while he was still down by him. He found Bucky’s hole and ran a finger around it, before slipping one finger in. Bucky gasped, but more out of /surprise/ than anything else. 

“Where did you learn that one?!” Bucky asked in total disbelief before kissing Steve’s neck again. Steve flushed red. 

“Well Buck,” Steve said as he massaged Bucky’s hole “you know Pornhub is free right?” He laughed a bit before he slipped a second finger in, massaging and getting Bucky to relax and open up more. Bucky couldn’t believe it. Steve, the most straight laced human personification of white bread man he had ever known not only watched Porn, but gay porn. The idea of Steve masturbating really turned Bucky on. Bucky felt his erection throb at the thought. So that’s what all the lube and tissues were for in the nightstand, huh? 

Bucky kept kissing Steve and Steve kept working. Bucky moaned and hearing him moan was absolutely /heavenly/ Steve thought. Feeling Bucky’s chest heave, his hot breath on Steve’s neck was everything he’d dreamed of at night when he was alone sometimes. He couldn’t believe it was finally a reality. 

“Alright” said Bucky with a tone of sureness. 

He kissed Steve again before slowly pushing Steve inside him. Bucky moaned like an animal at the sensation, it hurt so good, before slowly sitting all the way back and down on Steve’s cock. Steve couldn’t believe how /good/ it felt. The two were still for a moment, their chests heaving. Neither could believe this was happening. Finally. 

Steve reached out to stroke Bucky’s cock. Bucky arched his hips and moaned. 

“Yes!” Bucky moaned as he slowly began to go up and down on Steve’s cock. Steve and Bucky found a rhythm with their hips, and Steve continued to stroke Bucky. Bucky leaned down to kiss Steve some more. Steve’s hands wandered all over Bucky’s tight and fit body. He sure had packed on some muscle since they were teens that’s for sure. 

The two worked in tandem, the room filled with the sounds of their love. Steve felt himself ready to bust and he pulled Bucky down for a hungry kiss right as he came. He moaned and felt like his world was set on fire. Steve breathed heavy and gasped as he tried to catch his breath. Bucky relished in the sound of Steve being breathless. 

“Holy shit” he managed to say. Bucky had taken to stroking himself while Steve calmed down. That was a huge turn on for Steve. 

“Let me-“ Steve said as he once again grabbed Bucky’s cock and started stroking. It wasn’t long before Bucky also came all over Steve’s chest, his body trembling on top of Steve’s, a moan escaping his lips. Bucky pulled himself off of Steve and collapsed half on top of Him. The two lay there like that, and pulled each other into an embrace, both breathing heavily. 

The two laid like that, arm in arm, Bucky’s head resting on Steve’s arm, and Steve playing with Bucky’s hair. 

“Bucky I ... that was amazing”. Steve finally said. Bucky smiled and turned his head to look at Steve. 

“Might have to do that again sometime” said Bucky. Bucky traced circles on Steve’s body. “Was that really your first time Steve?” He asked. Steve laughed a bit, he felt embarrassed. 

“Yeah, yeah it was Bucky.” The two met eyes and kissed again. 

“Well I hope the hundred year wait was worth it” Bucky said, teasingly. Steve did feel a bit embarrassed but he just ... never really found the time to do anything but be a soldier. Steve squeezed Bucky. 

“Oh, it was worth it.” 

“You ever done that before?” Steve asked. Bucky chuckled. 

“Not with a /man/ so ... I’ll say no”. 

Of course, Steve thought. He figured Bucky had been with women. He remembered how they used to drool over him at the dance halls. 

“Do you wanna, uh, shower?” Asked Steve. 

“Uh, yeah. We probably should.” Bucky laughed. Steve loved that laugh and he really hoped he got to hear it more often. 

\---  
Part 6 - Central Park 

“So Buck, guess I shoulda asked this before but did you want to move your stuff into the guest room? Or just sleep in my room....?” Steve was helping Bucky move into his apartment. They had been dating for a while and Bucky finally decided to move in. Bucky had spent so much time over at Steve’s anyway that it just sort of made sense. Steve was ecstatic to be quite honest but he played it as cool as he could. 

Bucky looked at Steve and smiled. 

“You think I’m gonna sleep in the guest room?? And /not/ snuggle up with you??” He sounded fake exasperated and the two laughed. 

“Well that settles that” said Steve with a laugh as the two brought some more boxes in. Bucky didn’t really have a lot of stuff, to be honest. Most of his belongs were gifts from the other Avengers. 

The two spent the morning getting Bucky settled in. It was such a throwback, to when they lived together before. Bucky seemed so much more alive and animated than he had been. Almost like he was his old self. He wouldn’t let on but he was over the moon to be with Steve and to finally move in with him. As the days had gone on Steve was able to help him piece together more of his past, before Hydra, and help him figure out who he /was/ so he could figure out who he /wanted/ to be. 

Once the two were finished getting Bucky settled in, Bucky suggested they go for a walk in the park since they now lived so close to it. Bucky absolutely loved going out with Steve. He was so happy that they even could go out /together/ as a couple. They never would have been able to do that before. That’s one thing Bucky did love about the future. Steve agreed and the two set out for the park. 

They passed by a taco truck that was right outside the park and decided to grab some to eat. The two carried their boxes into the park a ways and settled down under a large shady oak tree. It was a sunny, warm day. Bucky had his hair pulled back into a bun and had shorts on for once. Steve was sporting his usual t-shirt and khaki shorts. He dressed kinda boring but it’s what he was comfortable in. People recognized him less when he dressed like this and he liked that. Bucky didn’t have such luck, a metal arm sticks out like a sore thumb, especially with the sun reflecting off of it. He always got looks but with Steve by his side he felt less exposed. Bucky never liked that kind of attention. 

The two sat quietly in the grass and ate. Taco trucks were not a thing when they were kids. /Yet another reason to stay in the present/, Steve thought. He looked at Bucky and couldn’t believe that he had actually considered staying back after he dropped off the Tesseract. 

The two finished their meals and Bucky laid down beside Steve. Steve followed suit and Bucky took his hand. The two stared up at the fluffy clouds as they went by, hand in hand. Steve wasn’t much for PDA of any sort but Bucky made him forget the rest of the world sometimes. 

“That one looks like a car” said Bucky, pointing to one with his metal hand. 

“And that one” said Steve, pointing to a different cloud, “looks like a mountain”. 

“I don’t know, that one just looks like a blob to me” Bucky said. 

“You need glasses or something? Clearly it’s a mountain” Steve said. 

“Steve I may be 106 years old but my eyes aren’t /that/ bad” Bucky joked. 

“106 years old and looking at clouds like a kid” Steve said jokingly. He rolled over on his side to face Bucky, smiling. 

“Well you’re 105 years old and doing it too, punk” Bucky said. He rolled over to look at Steve. They both were smiling. Bucky reached out his metal hand to lightly touch Steve’s face before giving him a kiss. 

“I love you, you know” said Bucky. 

“And I love you too”


End file.
